For Your Consideration: The Nikolas Cruz Prom Date

By Trebor Elliverf

The dating pool has really thinned out in the last year, especially for those of you who are still in high school. If you’re a cis-gender female who’s looking to bring home the crown, it can be slim pickins.

That’s why we would recommend that you sponsor Nikolas Cruz for Prom King. I know what you’re thinking, it’s a controversial idea and it may just put you on a few watch lists. But just think of the attention!

You’ll be the belle of the bloody ball with this pew pew cutie on your arm.

You want a date who’s dependable, right?

Well, we all know that Niky is nothing if not punctual. In fact, he’ll show up 36 minutes before you’re set to leave so your parents can get a shot of you and your new stud.

Going with Nikolas is a guaranteed ticket to the gun show.

Look at those biceps! Someone’s been pumping iron in the yard.

Don’t you want to date a true patriot? Sure, he may seem like a troubled soul, but he isn’t confused. Nik understands the importance of America’s electoral process and has done his part as an American by registering to vote.

Consider all the perks:

You’ll be first in line at the punch bowl…and probably last. Chances are more than good that that punch will pack a punch too!

When you’re rollin’ with Lil Niky, you can be sure that you won’t have to deal with crowds.

You’re a shoe-in for that tiara, girl!

Maybe your bestie’s date has some good weed, but he ain’t no Justin Bieber. Just look at how sweet and dreamy Niky looks.

Even if you have to bring the prom to him, it’ll be well worth it for the selfies.

If ever you have a doubt about being crowned prom queen, you can rest assured that you’ve got it in the bag with this ladykiller. Let’s just say that the competition has been taken care of.

Your chastity will assuredly remain intact.

In case you were worried that your prom night was gonna end with you sobbing over your compromised hymen, fear not! Nik is an Incel and as such, he is used to not getting laid. Indeed, sex never crossed his mind; he’d much rather spend quality time teaching you how to clean the barrel of an AK-47.

With this straight shooter, it’s eternal salvation or your money back.

The Bible tells us that premarital sex is a sin, but you won’t have to worry about that. Nikolas will be sure to send you to the Lord as a pure soul.

Your prom night is special and you deserve for people to remember it. Remember, you’re totes worth it! Niky will make it unforgettable for you and your family. Roll out your red sash and run, don’t walk, into Nik’s arms…or else.

Like, share or condemn this post, otherwise we’ll tell Lil Niky where you live.

Featured image by Justin A. Burnett

NSFW You Can’t Make This Shit Up: Red Dead Redemption Gets a Porn Parody

The hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 just got its on X-rated parody courtesy of Woodrocket and Pornhub. The feature-length fuck flick, subtly entitled Red Dead Erection, premieres on Pornhub today and it’s absolutely FREE to watch.

Check out the trailer over on YouTube:

Red Dead Erection is written and directed by Vuko and Lee Roy Myers. It stars April O’Neil, Codey Steele, Lance Hart, Leya Falcon, Daisy Ducati and Cassandra Cain.

The plot is delightfully schlocky:

When Arthur Organ and the rest of his cowboy outlaw gang get chased out of Blackwater, they learn that once you go Blackwater, you can never go backwater. So, they hit the unpaved road and go on an epic Western sex-venture filled with sperm bank robberies, saloon shootouts, leading to the law chasing them down, two in the Pinkerton and one in the stinkerton. Also, there will be Cowgirl and reverse Cowgirl. Obviously.

Like and share this post, and we’ll love you long time.

You Can’t Make This Shit Up: Marilyn Manson Edition

Welcome back to You Can’t Make This Shit Up, our sporadic column exploring news too bizarre not to be true. Today we learned that shock rocker and unpredictable multi-hyphenate Marilyn Manson made a dildo with his face on it.

This may not seem particularly outrageous or surprising to those familiar with the God of Fuck’s work or personal life. After all, Manson has had everyone on his dick from Rose McGowan and Dita Von Teese to Florence Henderson and Daryl Hannah (in theory).

With that said, the dildo’s dimensions are almost as questionable as the notion of putting Manson’s face inside of your orifice(s). The Marilyn Manson Double Cross Dildo + Bag, which is listed as costing a whopping $125 before shipping, is eight inches “tall,” but it’s only 1.5 inches in diameter.

Personally, I’m a grower, not a shower, so I’m not one to judge. However, by all accounts, Manson is very well-endowed which makes this news ponderous. We already know Manson’s got a big dong, but if this dildo is, in fact, as “lifelike” as Manson’s web store says, does that mean that the Antichrist Superstar’s many sexual conquests have been handling a bonafide Twizzler dick?

That’s why Silent Motorist is here…to pose the hard questions in these flaccid times. Like, share and comment or we’ll boof your mom.

Presenting the Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees

Are you feeling like an unfit parent? Or maybe you just want to take your spouse to an opium den for date night?

Face it, you’re a Syrian refugee. You can’t afford day care services or a babysitter.

Well, now you don’t have to!

That’s where LiLo comes in. Just send her your GPS coordinates and she’ll come to your shanty and snatch up your kids like she’s a real American fucking hero! Don’t worry if you get second thoughts because LiLo will take a punch to the face in the name of doing the right thing.

Tough love is the best love, after all.

Don’t understand English? No worries. Lindsay will condescendingly affect a bizarre take on your native accent and spit out some gibberish that might pass as your language to a deluded Westerner, then she’ll grab those children like a US president groping female genitals.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees can take care of any kid’s parent trap quicker than you can call Amnesty International.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees is conveniently located in Lindsay’s very own SUV. Although the rear windows don’t roll down, the backseat does fold down, revealing a plethora of treats guaranteed to keep your kids busy for hours.

There are voodoo dolls of Paris Hilston fashioned from Lindsay’s pubic hair, unmarked prescription bottles and, yes, enough Red Bulls to tucker those little tykes out for days. When you get them back (if you get them back), they’ll be ready to brush their teeth and go to bed like good little expats.

Don’t think of it as abandoning your children or handing them over to an unstable woman of questionable judgment. Think of it like taking a vacation from a couple of the many problems that plague you.

Hey, what happens in the United Arab Emirates stays in the United Arab Emirates…or gets broadcast on celebrity Instagram feeds. Don’t overthink it, that’s not the LiLo way. Life is too short to not be impetuous and besides, Lindsay is smarter than you.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees isn’t just your ticket to some quality alone time with your partner, it’s also a prepper course in case one of your offspring end up in the line of drone fire. Experience what it’s like to lose a child without the hassle of having to wonder where you’re going to bury one.

Call today and you may be eligible for an upgrade to one of America’s many four-star summer detention camps. Let Lindsay Lohandle it!

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees is a nonprofit that is in no way affiliated with The Lindsay Lohan Relief Fund or the Make Mean Girls 2 petition or the #SaveLindsay campaign or the MAGA movement. Void where prohibited. Fire in the hole!

B.F. 2018

Design by J.A. Burnett