Presenting the Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees

Are you feeling like an unfit parent? Or maybe you just want to take your spouse to an opium den for date night?

Face it, you’re a Syrian refugee. You can’t afford day care services or a babysitter.

Well, now you don’t have to!

That’s where LiLo comes in. Just send her your GPS coordinates and she’ll come to your shanty and snatch up your kids like she’s a real American fucking hero! Don’t worry if you get second thoughts because LiLo will take a punch to the face in the name of doing the right thing.

Tough love is the best love, after all.

Don’t understand English? No worries. Lindsay will condescendingly affect a bizarre take on your native accent and spit out some gibberish that might pass as your language to a deluded Westerner, then she’ll grab those children like a US president groping female genitals.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees can take care of any kid’s parent trap quicker than you can call Amnesty International.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees is conveniently located in Lindsay’s very own SUV. Although the rear windows don’t roll down, the backseat does fold down, revealing a plethora of treats guaranteed to keep your kids busy for hours.

There are voodoo dolls of Paris Hilston fashioned from Lindsay’s pubic hair, unmarked prescription bottles and, yes, enough Red Bulls to tucker those little tykes out for days. When you get them back (if you get them back), they’ll be ready to brush their teeth and go to bed like good little expats.

Don’t think of it as abandoning your children or handing them over to an unstable woman of questionable judgment. Think of it like taking a vacation from a couple of the many problems that plague you.

Hey, what happens in the United Arab Emirates stays in the United Arab Emirates…or gets broadcast on celebrity Instagram feeds. Don’t overthink it, that’s not the LiLo way. Life is too short to not be impetuous and besides, Lindsay is smarter than you.

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees isn’t just your ticket to some quality alone time with your partner, it’s also a prepper course in case one of your offspring end up in the line of drone fire. Experience what it’s like to lose a child without the hassle of having to wonder where you’re going to bury one.

Call today and you may be eligible for an upgrade to one of America’s many four-star summer detention camps. Let Lindsay Lohandle it!

The Lindsay Lohan Home for Prepubescent Refugees is a nonprofit that is in no way affiliated with The Lindsay Lohan Relief Fund or the Make Mean Girls 2 petition or the #SaveLindsay campaign or the MAGA movement. Void where prohibited. Fire in the hole!

B.F. 2018

Design by J.A. Burnett