By Bob Freville
Photography by Jake McGee
For those of us who positively despise the gluttony and consumerism of this foul and pointless holiday, there would seem to be little joy to be had. I can see you sitting there, wishing some corpulent cocksucker with a beard would shove his fat ass down the chimney so you could blow him away with your Mossberg 590A1 Tactical shotgun before eating both barrels your damn self.
I understand that deep-seated feeling of dread and loathing, but I’m here to tell you that all hope is definitely not lost. As a reader of the Motorist, you are more than likely to be suffering from WPPs (White People Problems) which is actually pretty good.
After all, things could be much worse. You could have the STDs which would mean eight crazy days and eight crazy nights of cold sores and genital warts. Or you could have ESP which would mean you’re Haley Joel Osment…and nobody wants to be Haley Joel Osment.
Yeszir, if you are a holiday hater like me, you have a wealth of options at your disposal and today we’ll take a look at some of the best ones out there.
LOSE YOUR KIDS
You’ve been dealing with their braying for months as they prattled on about all the Google Play cards and Minecraft accessories and Apple watches and GoPros that threaten to bankrupt you. You’ve bottled up your anger at their rude remarks, their terrible music and the disgusting things that they do in your bathroom when you’re late for work and you just want to take a shit in peace.
Enough’s enough! Take those zit-faced cunts to a shopping mall, point them in the direction of the closest distraction and bounce, son! Ain’t nobody got time for this! Antinatalism may not have been an option once your wife was into her third term, but it’s not too late to back out.
Sure, you can’t abort them when they’re already well into puberty, but you can certainly leave them to their own devices and let nature sort them out.
CHILL WITH A STRANGER
‘Tis the season to be depressed and lonely. But you don’t have to be; just because the suicide rate spikes during the holidays doesn’t mean you have to give in to the call of the void. Instead of wrapping your car around a telephone pole or chasing a bottle of anti-depressants with a pint of Jack, consider doing the one thing our parents told us never to do…talk to a stranger.
That old dude playing the sax by the boardwalk is bound to be a better hang than your extended family. And so what if he turns out to be a junkie and a pickpocket? He can’t be worse than your greasy uncle with the ugly personality that matches his ugly sweater. Shit, he might even turn you onto the wonders of skag.
SCARE THE LOCALS
Catching up with estranged relatives over stale fruitcake and under-cooked turkey can get rather dull. If you really want to liven things up, get your hands on some dismantled anti-tank warfare and share the sight of it with the locals.
Last year everyone was talking about the tantalizing glow of that Christmas Story leg lamp replica that your neighbor Barry stuck in his front window. Not this year, Barry! All eyes will be on your stunning piece of defense weaponry. Believe me when I say that Barry’s kids will not be fucking with your lawn display this year.
TAG A COP CAR
Who’s gonna stop you? Certainly not the pigs.
Let’s be real, anyone who knows anything knows that cops just don’t wanna be bothered around the holidays. It’s bad enough that they’ve gotta spend Christmas Eve clockin’ speeding drivers, but the last thing they want is to get stuck filling out a shit heap of paper work when they could be home horking some rum and eggnog.
TURN IN SOME CANS
Reality dictates that most people don’t spend their holiday laughing and prancing and kissing under the mistletoe. For all too many of us common folk, Christmas is one dark bacchanalia of buyer’s remorse. As your ungrateful offspring tear into their gifts and your wife rolls out the appetizers, your ass is calculating the amount of debt that the holiday will leave you in.
Better you skip dessert and head out to your neighborhood grocery store to clear your head at their bottle redemption center. Might as well get that head start on pinching pennies because the New Year is going to be nothing if not a daily struggle to keep your head above water.
BRO DOWN WITH SATAN
It’s always Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. The Son of God constantly gets his due, especially at this time of year…but the Devil needs friends too.
Instead of leaving the Fallen One alone with his thoughts this holiday, why not give him a couple pulls from your vape pen and ask him what kind of music he’s into. Give him a chance and he’ll wow you with his encyclopedic knowledge of early-90s ectofolk. Hey, you just might make fast friends while humming the bars to “What If God Was One of Us.”
So whether you’re bailing on your little brats or enjoying some neurofunk with the Prince of Darkness, there will never be a dull moment this fucking Festivus. Do what thou wilt and hail Satan!
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Featured image by Justin A. Burnett