How to Be an Extraordinarily Horrible Parent This Thanksgiving

By J.L. Mayne

In my family, thanksgiving means going and eating a bunch of food around family members you see once or twice a year. The food is pretty good, as is the family. The turkey may be a little dry and some of my relatives might start shouting at a kid or two for some ridiculous antic the child decides is more fun than staring at a wall.

This holiday season, why not change it up a bit. In place of being holly-jolly, try out one of these Thanksgiving ideas to make the season that much more special.

1. Summon Cthulhu

Everyone needs some holiday cheer including the Great Old One from R’lyeh. Why not grab a few of your cultist friends and conjure up an old fashioned end of the world party! He may not even eat your family if you’re the one to do the summoning. Hit me up if you need an instruction manual.

2. Sacrifice your kids

Let’s face it, some kids suck. They take after their parents, and maybe you’re one of those parents that should have kept it in their pants. If you need a break, you could always sacrifice the little devils. Maybe it’ll help with #1 on our list.

3. Give your children a bleach enema

Sadly, this one happens more often than some of the others mentioned. Parents seem to think this will help cure autism…Yep. Whether it’s an enema or you just get them to drink it, try this out if you are feeling like a particularly large douche.

4. Take your family to Westworld

Or Jurassic Park, or any other psychotic park created by the mind of Michael Crichton. They’ll love it for the first hour or until things start eating and/or maiming them. Dinosaurs, gunslingers, tigers, take your pick. The family eaten together stays together.

5. Tell your kids there really is a monster under their bed

I’m not sure who would be heartless enough to do this. My own kids rarely have nightmares because I’m scarier than any monster they could ever imagine, but other kids legitimately think the boogeyman is hiding under their beds, waiting to chew on their feet. Not only will this cause turmoil for the kids, but it’ll make you lose sleep as well, unless you just don’t care and let them cry it out. That’s always an option.

6. Teach your kids to use fire as a coping mechanism

Don’t like the grade you got on the math final? Burn the school down. Cat pee on your favorite shirt? Light it on fire. Peed the bed? It’s okay, Timmy; the problem is gone now.

7. Start an underground child fight club

It’s like a cock fight or a dog fight but with kids. This might seem like a good idea at the time; maybe the kids are being stupid and just need to get their anger out, maybe you need a little cash and think it’ll be a good way to get some from your neighbors.

Your kid might be a giant and, therefore, guaranteed to win in the monthly battle, but it still isn’t the best idea. Try selling that crap you never use instead. Or sell your children, that works too.

8. Lock the kids in the basement

The world is a scary place. Lots of people are convinced that it’s going to end tomorrow, the next day, or even today. If you want to protect your kids, maybe the best option is to lock them in the basement. Maybe use some chains for extra protection. Wouldn’t want them experiencing life or growing into productive members of society.

9. Reuse their gifts

If you’re tight on funds for that new watch or your scrapbook addiction, take back some gifts you bought the kids. Then, on their next birthday, or at Christmas, give them back! You may even be able to convince them it’s a new gift despite the stains and broken pieces.

10. Convince them to grow up to be just like you

Despite how great you think you are, you could be better. Hopefully your kids don’t have that same addiction you do. But if your goal is to immortalize yourself through your kids, do this! Be sure to include your weird relationship with your parents in the training regime.

Mr. Sucky by Duncan P. Bradshaw – Book Review

Review by Bob Freville

Duncan P. Bradshaw’s Mr. Sucky is very funny and very British. From its first paragraphs, we are graced with a scenario straight out of a Monty Python episode. By that, I mean that Bradshaw takes familiar imagery and subverts expectations with hilariously matter-of-fact horror that’s at once bust-a-gut funny and uber-cringey.

Few writers could manage to wring laughs out of child abuse. Bradshaw not only succeeds on the very first page but keeps us hoping he’ll up the ante. Like hearing a comedian riff on The Aristocrats gag, the reader latches on to this devilishly irreverent read and waits in jubilant anticipation for the next groty detail to emerge.

Bradshaw doesn’t disappoint, skillfully one-upping himself in each successive sequence. The design of the book is itself a masterfully-executed joke; Mr. Sucky doesn’t have the outward appearance of a novel or novella. It is over-sized, oddly thin and specifically designed to resemble a poorly photocopied user manual.

It is so convincing in this regard that my better half actually stuck it in the box with a shitty vacuum cleaner we had recently purchased at Target, mistaking it for the actual manual that came with the piece of shit. Had it not been for me catching her in time, Mr. Sucky would have been going back to the store before I’d even had a chance to read it…and that would have sucked.

This kind of Andy Kaufman-esque gag might draw an exasperated yawn from some jaded millennial reader, but for those of us who were alive during the years of National Lampoon and the Theater of the Absurd, it’s a warm and welcome return to interactive and impish humor.

That’s right, get off my fucking lawn!

Mr. Sucky concerns the playful and putrid mishaps of a serial killer, his latest would-be “victim” and the killer’s dim-witted “acolyte”. But then that is like saying Mel Brooks’ The Producers is about two desperate men trying to stage a play; the description is far too simple and doesn’t do it any justice.

Without spoiling all of the surprises that this “manual” has in store for you, I can safely say that Mr. Sucky is meant for people who relish clever twists, colorful colloquialisms and dastardly denouements that don’t exactly go the way you’d expect them to.

While reading this charming book, one gets the nagging sense that they are talking to a familiar voice, perhaps the demented id or superego of their own private brain nugget. Bradshaw handles dialogue in much the same way that maverick crime writer George V. Higgins or controversial playwright-cum-filmmaker Martin McDonagh employs it; the conversations are the action and fucked if they’re not a full-on assault of the imagination.

I should confess to being a hardcore Anglophile who was weaned on the comical wonders of Benny Hill, The Young Ones, Fawlty Towers and The Dangerous Brothers. As such, I may be predisposed to Mr. Bradshaw’s particular brand of comedy. But I trust that anyone who reads this will agree that it’s an absurdly awesome tome that offers all the wit, cringe and reward of the best ripping yarn.

Mr. Sucky is billed as a Gore Com publication and I have to say that “gorecom” pretty well describes the book’s blend of the macabre and the mundane. A perfect example of the ghoulish comedy that Bradshaw has in store for you can be found on page 22 when our befuddled villain, Clive Beauchamp, reminds himself of his personal mantra.

Instead of WWJD or YOLO, Beauchamp’s acronym is the hilariously and arbitrarily long PFAETCHWUTTKS, or Prepare For Any Eventuality That Could Happen When You Try To Kill Someone. Remember, it works better with a Welsh lilt. ; )

The best thing that I can say about Mr. Sucky is that it has few peers in literature or, really, any other artistic medium. The closest you’ll probably get is Quentin Dupieux’s 2011 film Rubber, but even that highly meta exercise in deconstructured horror-comedy pales in comparison to what Bradshaw has attempted and achieved with this one.

If you’re anything like me, this waggish novella will leave an idiot grin on your face akin to the adorable smiley face illustration on its back jacket. As the author’s official website declares, Mr. Sucky is ready to come out of the cleaning closet. Snatch him up today.

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9 Ways to Skin a Cat

Design by Justin A. Burnett

By Bob Freville

Yes, you’ve heard it your whole life; there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Probably you didn’t think it was true. Well, it certainly is and today we’ll tell you all about how you, too, can achieve domestic nirvana. Not the grunge rock band, the state of mind, that is.

There will be no more mewling, no more torn up couch cushions or soiled welcome mats. These methods are surefire ways to eliminate the scourge that is the household feline.

1. Get High Tech on Her Pussy Ass

Go for the ultimate in irony with the Skinzit Electric Fish Skinner! Just when the braying little ball of fur thinks it’s getting a fresh treat from the ocean, you sneak up behind her with your Skinzit FS1000A and remove her rib bones in two simple steps.

Tell your wife to put the kibosh on that Chinese food delivery ‘cause you just got yourself a feline fillet!

2. The Claw

Too long has her tyrannical reign gone unchecked, but now you can get her back. If she’s given you the paw, you give her the claw. The ForEverlast Claw Skinning Tool’s toothed gripping ends enable you to skin your growling game as easily as you’d carve your Thanksgiving turkey.

3. Hang ‘er Out to Dry

How many times have you cringed at the sight of your pet peeve pushing tiny animals around like she’s Queen Shit? Watching her bat a mouse around, gleefully tormenting it with her razor sharp duclaws, damn near made you vomit on your own feet.

Fuck it, now it’s your turn! Get your hands on a portable tripod game hanger from Guide Gear and slap her around a little. Let her get good and dizzy before you dig in with your new tools.

4. Get Tactical

With Outdoor Edge’s 12-piece game processing kit, you’ll feel like you belong to the Elite Hunting Club. And what better way to pay her back for fucking up your Air Jordans with her fat hairballs than to tie her to a chair and make her watch as you carefully select a gut hook from your dynamite satchel of pain.

5. The John Rambo Special

If you’re not into the torture porn of the gut hook, which carefully avoids the beast’s stomach, then you can take a cue from ole Sly Stallone and go in for a quick kill with a heat-treated, shaving-sharp serrated blade (also included in your Outdoor Edge game processing kit).

We all know cats fancy themselves some kind of gods, just like those Burmese pigs that Rambo slaughtered back in 2008. Put yours in her place and show her that pain is her only god.

6. Throw Her a Bone

A Wild-Bone will not only skin your lil purring princess, it will also debone her in seconds flat! The rubberized non-slip grip will ensure that you get a clean cut of your ball of fluff even as her blood pours down your forearm. You can’t beat good ergonomics.

7. The John Kramer Route

If you’re feeling particularly creative, you can always go the John “Jigsaw” Kramer route. The tool’s in the name; snatch up a sawzall from DEWALT and slice that sucker clean in half. She’s always got her nose in her asshole anyway, why not introduce them to each other proper?

8. Skinner-Caper Combo

Life is a circus, so treat it as such. Use your zip ties to pin your precious friend to a wheel and then practice your knife throwing skills. If you miss it won’t matter because these babies have superior edge retention for breaking down creatures as big as your BBW mother-in-law.

9. The Steve Buscemi

If there’s one thing that veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his big blue eyes. If there are two things that veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his jacked up teeth. If there are three things veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his star turn in HBO’s Boardwalk Empire.

But if there are four things that Buscemi is known for, it’s the time that he was heaved face first into a wood chipper at the ass end of the Coen Brothers’ seminal movie Fargo. If you love your little Tiger so much, give it the movie star sendoff it deserves by ushering it into an Earthwise 15- amp garden chipper. The handy collection bin will save you from having to clean up the red carpet.

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5 Ways to Kick the Bucket Whilst Pulling Your Pud

By Bob Freville

Has “the stranger” become a bit too familiar to seem strange anymore? Do you require a level of advanced stimulation that no vibe or butt plug could ever provide? You are not alone, my perverted pal.

There’s a reason that the French refer to the human orgasm as “la petite mort.” At the end of the day, there is simply no lover more galvanizing than that Grecian bone smuggler, Thanatos. Think of this son of Darkness as a power bottom, only somehow he’s still the one on top.

Confused? You should be. Nobody escapes the greasy clutches of Death, especially not those who tempt him by wrapping a belt around their neck while they burp the worm.

If that hasn’t scared you off then you are probably one of those brave boys or girls who welcomes His gelid embrace with open arms…if not open palms. In which case, I say crack on! Here are some tips for you and your bits.

1. HIDE THE ZUCCHINI

If you’re looking to go out gagging, there’s no method more effective than utilizing nature’s finest as your sexual aid. Just ask the unemployed twenty-something who knocked on his neighbors’ door, seeking assistance after an afternoon bout of making the bald man cry resulted in a zucchini getting wedged in his throat.

According to the official report, “Removal of the trousers showed the penis to be semi-erect; around the base of the penis was a rubber band. On the lower abdomen and in the groin was dried, white coloured material, subsequently identified as semen…Internal examination showed a zucchini impacted in the larynx and oropharynx, totally occluding the airway…”

2. SHOCK TILL YOU DROP

Spark things up with a little electricity; if it’s good enough for that ole lady killer Egidius Schiffer, it should be good enough for you. Schiffer showed the world that his creativity extended far beyond murdering hitchhikers when he removed a cable from a table lamp and wrapped it around his nipples and dick.

[Note: If you survive the same, you’ve totally gotta start a phallus-obsessed punk band called Nipples & Dick.]

Schiffer then stuck the end of the cable into a power socket, thus creating world’s worst weenie roast. When the electrical current flowed through his chest, homeboy had a fatal heart attack. But hey, all great orgasms require great sacrifice and if you don’t believe me, just look at this!

3. IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCSEED, TRY & TRY AGAIN

Sometimes, rubbing one out won’t cut the mustard; some might even say rubbing six out isn’t sufficient. Any artist will tell you that it can take multiple tries before you create a work of genuine perfection.

Don’t be afraid to really get in there and rock out with your cock out till the clock stops ticking. This guy certainly wasn’t when he flogged the bishop until it quite literally fell off. For this brave young man, it took 62 consecutive tries to achieve an orgasm so incredible it blew his baguette clean off.

4. MAXIMUM SUCKAGE

If we’re being honest, we all know you suck, but you know what sucks even harder? A vacuum cleaner. That’s right, don’t be shy, let your freak flag fly. If a 57-year old man can do it, so can you.

If you’re anything like him, the vacuum cleaner won’t be enough, so be sure to take a page from his playbook and bring along a bottle of wine, some pantyhose, several jars of lubricant, a glass of urine and a wooden table leg. Remember, vacuum cleaners can suck, but it’s your prostate that’ll really makes you blow.

Some direct contact with your testis, a couple of knots in those pantyhose  and you’re off to see the Wizard.

5. GET THEE BAPTIZED FOR ALL ETERNITY

Not everyone’s satisfied to go out in so simple a fashion as death by household appliance. Some true warrior whackers insist on something far more complex. Consider the case of a 25-year old Canadian man who didn’t settle for the mere risk of drowning while jacking it but rather committed in the most overly complicated way possible.

This colorful cobra charmer met his end at the bottom of a river wearing what was politely described as “homemade diving apparatus.” That’s a euphemism for a hockey helmet, a two-piece snowmobile suit, beige ski boots and a bondage system “joining together the waist, knees, and ankles of the victim was observed with meshed metallic chains and straps and accessories usually used for horseback riding…

“…A section of electrical wire was also used at the knees. The whole bondage device was secured at the pubic region by a padlock, consequently maintaining the victim’s legs tightly joined together…

“Furthermore, a meshed metallic chain was attached to the hockey helmet and straps were also present at each wrist…Under his winter garments, the victim was wrapped in a transparent plastic jumpsuit covering him from head to toe…”

If you don’t consider that dedication, then your dong is in trouble.

Do you have a story about a time when you were pronounced clinically dead from playing Tiddlywinks with Mr. Winky? We’d love to hear it. Drop us a line in the comments below and get us off with how gut-wrenchingly gifted you are.

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Posting That You Voted Makes People Pretend to Like You, Studies Say

By Jeff Goldwoolf

Silent Motorist’s social networking expert Jeff Goldwoolf is joining us to let you good people in on a tightly kept secret: posting about how you voted will make everyone pretend to like you!!!

No matter which side of the political aisle Google and Facebook algorithms tell you you’re on, proclaiming that you did, indeed, go back to high school (like a fucking loser) to cast your vote for people who actively want to enslave your mind will, with 100% surety, get social media peeps to pretend they like you and that they’ve always found your political opinions interesting.

College student Sam Porker told Silent Motorist reporters who snuck into his gated private college yesterday: “You know, I didn’t really have that many friends here. I mean, I’m friends with well over half the student body on social media, but no one has ever acknowledged any of the stuff I choose to share with the world.

That all changed when I posted a picture of myself holding my thumbs in the air with an ‘I Voted’ sticker on my breast pocket! I got over two-hundred likes and shares!”

His sympathies were echoed across the usually dull, lifeless campus: gigantic tents and banners about voting were set up everywhere, and speakers were blaring pop music left and right. Despite the loud music, we were able to ask many students the same questions, and they shared their sympathies with Sam Porker.

Outside social media, people are also feeling the togetherness of the elections.

Mrs. Simpletooth, chair of the Fuck Your Mama department, said, “I couldn’t even grade tests the music was so loud, and it was FANTASTIC! It’s good to take a break from the monotony of quizzes and lectures and just let loose and pretend that we’re all in this together. I mean, this is the last time I don’t have to unconditionally hate one half of the country and love the other. We’re all just practicing our democracy right now. No strings attached.”