She’s Just a Shadow – DVD Review

by Zakary McGaha

Holy hell, this movie left me speechless. If you’re a fan of horror, trippy thrillers that take place in our world but don’t feel like it and/or bloody crime/noir, then you’re going to dig this movie.

The craziness is amped up to 11 on a scale of 1-10, yet it’s full of characters who are yearning for something. Sure, self-degradation, substance abuse and ultra-rape are all part of this movie’s fabric, but the characters retain a human quality that pits them in constant tension with their surroundings.

The gist of the story is that there’s a prostitution ring—not human-trafficking—and they’re dealing with both a bigger crime organization that’s out to get them as well as a fucking serial-killer who abducts women, jerks off on them and leaves them tied up on the train tracks. Meanwhile, many people involved in the main prostitution ring are wanting to get out of the whole ordeal, and not just because they’re tired of the constant violence.

The movie is beautifully shot. I’d dare say it’s prettier than Mandy. It’s also bloodier, more poignant and more insane. In fact, that’s a good way to gauge if the film’s for you before you watch it: if a crazier yet more concrete version of Mandy sounds like your cup of tea, then you can’t go wrong.

It’s hard to write about She’s Just a Shadow for the sole reason that it’s such a visually enticing film. It’s the type of thing you just need to experience.

However, I would like to stress one of its strengths again: despite being a super-visual film, it actually has a story. It’s not just style with no substance.

5/5 stars. The Motorist commands you to watch it!

September 30, 2019 by Silent Motorist Media

3 from Hell – Film Review

by Zakary McGaha

[NOTE: The passing of Sid Haig is quite a loss to the world of horror films. His iconic Captain Spaulding character from the original Firefly movie House of 1000 Corpses…created by Sid just as much as the person who wrote him into existence, Rob Zombie…was an icon. Everyone recognized the face. He was often-times quoted. For the early 2000s, he was basically Freddy Krueger for a short period of time. That being said, this review is not meant to be, in any way, disrespectful to Sid and his beloved character. Rather, it is a review of a film that, as fate would have it, didn’t feature Sid that much, despite the fact that he was originally going to be in it throughout the entire runtime. Health reasons prevented that from happening, and so we got Richard Brake’s new character: Foxy. Although I didn’t like 3 From Hell at all, it was worth it to see Sid in character as the demented, sadistic, business-savvy clown with a country drawl one last time.]

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, Rob Zombie. I have a love-hate relationship with his movies and music. The gist of it is: I think he’s okay, and sometimes pretty awesome…when he doesn’t have his filthy mitts on the Halloween franchise. See, he has his own style; his own flare. He’s a distinctive creator, and his music branches into his movies. It’s all one, cohesive whole. However, if you take said distinctive flare and mix it in a witch’s cauldron with the already-established, and much beloved, Halloween franchise…you get a nasty concoction that shouldn’t be.

Halloween aside, you could call me a Rob Zombie fan. The Devil’s Rejects, in my opinion, is one of the standout horror-films of the 2000s, and it’s probably destined to be remembered as such. In many ways, it was a perfect movie. You had great, interesting, psychopathic characters who were accustomed to having all the power. Various victims never escaped the Firefly family’s brutality. These killers were remorseless, wise-cracking hillbilly-esque folks who were very good at winning. They contrasted usual slasher villains in that they simply didn’t get caught, and when they were confronted by force…such as the police officers in House of 1000 Corpses…they always wound up on top. But The Devil’s Rejects changed that: the whole point of the movie was to see how these characters fared when they were being hunted not just by a crazy, vengeful cop and his deputies, but also by bounty hunters who were just as viscous, if not MORE viscous, than them. The end result was an amazing film that keeps the viewer constantly on the edge of their seat as the plot barrels forward to a super-climactic, ultra-violent, CONCLUSION in the form of a final blaze-of-glory that will forever be known as one of the best endings in horror history…

…At least, that would have been the case had 3 From Hell not come along and completely destroyed everything built in the previous entry.

To call 3 From Hell pointless would be an understatement. It’s a continuation of a story that’s already reached its conclusion and is resting peacefully in the Horror Graveyard. However, Rob Zombie came along, dug up the corpse, and then resurrected it in Frankenstein-like fashion. The end result is a story that’s half-alive, half-dead, with absolutely no sense of direction.

The movie opens in a cool-enough way: news-footage reveals that the Firefly family beat the odds and survived the shootout at the end of Devil’s Rejects, and they’re all ALIVE save for the recently-executed Captain Spaulding.

Also, Otis has escaped prison: while on a chain-gang, his half-brother Foxy…previously unmentioned in the past two films…comes along, shoots up the scene, and frees Otis.

Another familiar face had been on the chain-gang as well: Rondo, played by Danny Trejo. Otis promptly gets revenge and kills the defenseless bounty-hunter…who, strangely, doesn’t even remember who Otis is…before running off into the woods.

This is really where the movie starts going downhill and stops being new. Every plot-point from here on out is ripped from the previous film, down to the minute details.

We get:

1. A clown, as opposed to the clown-wannabe of DR, unluckily interrupting the Firefly gang as they’re torturing their latest hostages. Like in DR, this clown also gets shot in the head.
2. As mentioned in the previous entry, hostages…two couples, again…are held in their quarters by the family.
3. One hostage, as opposed to the two in DR, is sent out to do the Firefly gang’s dirty-work while his loved-ones are held captive.
4. Every hostage dies. One said hostage’s death even plays homage to both the “run rabbit run” scene from House of 1000 Corpses and the girl with the face-mask from DR who gets hit by the truck.
5. The Firefly gang is on the lam.
6. The Firefly gang takes up shelter at a seedy hotel in Mexico, where they party with hookers…which, of course, is a direct rip from DR when they were at Charlie’s bordello.
7. The Firefly gang gets ambushed by Rondo’s son, who has been looking for them ever since Otis killed his father in the beginning. He is accompanied by his organized-crime outfit, The Black Satans, which run around wearing wrestling masks. Again, this is a direct rip from DR, when Sheriff Wydell, accompanied by his bounty-hunters, ambush the Devils at the bordello.
8. Instead of killing the Firefly gang, Rondo’s son ties them up and tries to act tough, with heavy talk of justice and family and shit. Again, this is directly ripped from the last part of DR where Sherriff Wydell does the same thing.
9. The Firefly gang escapes and kills the spurned family-member who’s only trying to avenge his father…which, OF COURSE, is what happened to Sherriff Wydell in DR, although he came closer to killing the Devils. If only he would’ve been privy to Tiny…

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. There are probably some other things I missed. To call this movie a derivative waste of time would be accurate and neither under or overstated. Was it fun? Yeah, but it didn’t have the UMPH of a good story, like in Devil’s Rejects, to accompany it.

1/5 stars. I would’ve given it 2/5 had it not completely tarnished The Devil’s Rejects and negated its importance in the overarching Firefly-family story.

September 29, 2019 by Silent Motorist Media

Scooby-Doo! Return to Zombie Island—Movie Review

by Zakary McGaha

2019 has been, and will continue to be, a pretty good year for horror movies. Like always, installments in already-established franchises are stealing most of the conversation, but there have been some notable new releases as well. So much so that it’s difficult to stay on top of things.

Today’s review, however, is about a sequel in a franchise that will never die; a franchise that adult horror fans the world over love, despite it being for kids; a franchise that has won the hearts of countless generations past and countless generations to come: Scooby-Doo! My love for this franchise is intense. My childhood bedroom was decked out with Scooby bed sheets, Scooby curtains…and I even had a pair of Scooby-Doo underwear.

This franchise, it seems, is never NOT doing well for itself. There have been so many separate animated TV series, standalone animated films, related-to-each-other-but-still-standalone animated films, live-action/star-studded films, low-budget/made-for-tv live-action films, made-for-tv-animated films…oh shit, I just had a nosebleed. Anyway, there’s been a lot of stuff, and I haven’t even mentioned the gist of everything!

There really isn’t an overarching timeline for Scooby-Doo, though there are some links that run through certain things. I think of the franchise as a multiverse in which certain parallels stay the same, and some don’t. For instance: different shows and movies that can’t possibly exist in the same universe make references to the same Mystery Inc. cases. Another example: one purported prequel, as well as its sequel, supposedly take place before the live-action movie, yet, technology and culture-wise, clearly take place after. Yeah, go figure.

I find all these things fascinating. The Scoob-tific universe is a fun one to get lost in. If you ask different people which show or movie is their favorite, you’re likely to get different answers. In fact, I’ve found the standard response you’d expect of, “The original; duh,” doesn’t apply here. There are simply too many great incarnations/timelines, and, given that the franchise is so old, people of different generations likely grew up watching different incarnations.

I was born in 1998, and, consequently, have always been partial to the first string of four direct-to-video animated movies that started in 1998 with Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Of course, there have been WAAAAAY more than four direct-to-video animated Scoob movies, but the first four that kicked the trend off were direct sequels to one another in the sense that they were made by the same animation studio with the same voice-cast/art direction/etc.

The movies that would follow would change as the franchise as a whole changed…as in, their art styles began mimicking whichever new tv-show was running on the networks…which, in turn, left the first four movies…Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost, Scoooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders, and Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase…alone on their own, proverbial island. (NOTE: despite being the first direct-to-video animated Scoob, movie, Zombie Island was pre-dated by three made-for-tv animated movies in the 80s and another one in the 90s).

Despite these four, original direct-to-video animated movies being on their own island, references to them are made throughout many other movies (and maybe even one of the shows, if my memory serves). My sentiments of absolutely adoring these four movies and putting them on a pedestal above the other incarnations are echoed quite frequently. The main thing people like about them is that, in contrast with most other Scoob stories, the monsters and whatnot in these movies were real. Plus, the animation was striking.

These movies were realistic, bad-ass, and, strangely, sort of gritty and emotional. Overall, though, they were creative and fun, and didn’t follow the simple formula to a tee; their stories played around way more, while still staying recognizable.

With the current trend in horror franchises being sequels that ignore other sequels, and, instead, act as “the real” sequels to the original films, it seemed inevitable that Scooby and the gang would drop what they were doing and return to Zombie Island.

Fuck the current trend in horror franchises.

Scooby-Doo! Return to Zombie Island may be the most pointless sequel I’ve ever seen. It’s surprising that it doesn’t even try to add onto the narrative set forth in the original.

Spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t seen these films and are interested, I suggest you go watch them…

…

…

Anyway, the original Zombie Island is notorious for its all-out, awesome ending. Not only were there real-life zombies and pirate-ghosts on Moonscar Island…there were also werecats. Naturally, Scooby and the gang managed to barely escape the werecats, which in turn brought about the furry fiends’ expiration considering that they couldn’t steal the gang’s souls before the moonlight ran out or something. The death of the werecats resulted in the freeing of the zombies’ souls, because the zombies only served as a warning to hapless people wandering onto the island.

The ending didn’t leave a single thing unexplained. Every “i” was dotted and every “t” was crossed.

Flash-forward twenty-one years, as well as several shows and tons of movies…most of which took place in their own universes…and we find that, for some reason, fucking Velma doesn’t think the business on Moonscar Island is finished. Something “doesn’t sit right with her” or whatever…and she even blogged about it. Yeah, I know: desperate.

The gang doesn’t wind back up on the island because of Velma’s uneasiness, however. They wind up there because Shaggy won vacation-tickets off a television show; said vacation destination happens to be Moonscar Island, which has been turned into a resort. Yeah, I know: desperate.

From there, stupidity and bad humor ensues. It turns out the whole thing is an elaborate setup because some nutty movie-director read Velma’s blog and thought it’d be a good idea to film a “real-life” movie, wherein actors dressed up as zombies terrorize the Mystery Inc. gang. Yeah, I know: desperate.

And that’s not all: there are also more werecats! However, these werecats aren’t real. They’re just copycats…heh-heh…who apparently also read her blog, and they’re conveniently looking for the pirate treasure during the time Mystery Inc. is there. Yeah, I know: desperate.

The one thing I feared going into the movie was that, since the “case” was being reopened, it was going to turn out that the supernatural aspects of the first Zombie Island had been fake all along. Luckily, that didn’t happen, and that’s about the only positive thing I can say for the movie.

In addition to the copycat boogies running around the resort, there is an actual werecat running around trying to get at the gang, but this aspect is never explained. In fact, you’re supposed to believe said werecat was one of the fake ones, even though it looked 100% different and performed inhuman feats, such as ripping the top off a car.

The big reveal at the end happens when they remove the masks of the fake werecats and realize that the other one…again, the one that looked 100% different and performed inhuman feats of aggression…had been real all along. Yeah, I know: desperate.

My main gripe about all this is that NOTHING NEW HAPPENS. I would’ve been fine if we learned something more about the werecats. I would’ve been more than fine if it turned out there were other werecats who had been planning revenge all these years. Instead, we got several fake werecats and fake zombies, which was, I guess, supposed to make us think that the supernatural aspects of the original had been fake as well, but then we get reassured that what we already knew was right all along because there’s another, real werecat still alive. Like…the overall plot ends up exactly where it was before (except for one new werecat that doesn’t do much)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a nutshell, Scooby-Doo! Return to Zombie Island isn’t a sequel. Instead, it’s another movie that happens to take place in the same setting. Scoob and the gang go back to the island of the original movie, do some stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with the original movie’s plot, find out there’s another werecat at the very end, and then leave.

It’d be like if they made a movie called Tommy Jarvis: Return to Crystal Lake, wherein Tommy returns to Crystal Lake, gets tickled by a bunch of rodeo clowns, and then sees Jason in his rearview mirror as he’s driving back home whilst laughing due to said clown-tickling.

This movie was fucking pointless. It also had Elvira in it. Yeah, I know: desperate.

2/5 stars.

September 17, 2019 by Silent Motorist Media

How the World Weekly News Shaped Our Worldview (Particularly When We Didn’t Believe a Word of It)

My first exposure to what I’ll simply call “the grotesque” happened at WalMart. Who could imagine a more pedestrian setting for an event that would simultaneously scandalize my delicate sensibilities and fascinate my overactive imagination? I sure couldn’t, but I’ve found that the American mainstream is wondrously littered with weirdness (if only we possess the eyes to see). The current case is a perfect example, but I’ll go ahead and let the steam out of the balloon, since it’s not going to immediately strike you as truly “grotesque.” Three words: Weekly World News.

Or, more accurately, let’s reduce it to two: bat boy.

See? Audible groan. But that’s exactly my point, if you’ll permit me to get around to it. This absurdly grotesque little magazine doesn’t seem all that strange to us anymore!

Why? Cause it was everywhere. Once upon a time, before it quietly died in 2007, this strange little magazine that claimed to publish stories (and this is from the inside flap of this huge, erm, “anthology” of WWN articles that has somehow found its way into my possession) “ too scandalous, too risqué, or too dangerous for so-called reputable news sources” was the first thing you saw when entering the checkout lane of the world’s third (following 7-11 and SPAR. Weird, right? I thought WM would be the biggest too) largest supermarket chain. And it seemed like more times than not, “bat boy” was on the cover.

We’ve all seen pictures of the 2-foot, 19-pound half-bat, half-human boy who was captured and held in some facility in West Virginia (and, of course, escaped, only later to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth for saving a British Army patrol in Iraq). We were also thoroughly familiarized with the post-mortem escapades of Elvis Presley (who faked his death to deal with the pressures of a drug addiction), and (who else?) bigfoot. It’s hard to imagine how widespread the cultural currency of these fantastic stories would be without the WWN. It’s only thanks to this publication, after all, that some of us ever stopped to wonder about things like UFOs in the Whitehouse at all.

What I could say here is “how weird is it that this technologically-advanced, thoroughly scientific society displayed such blatant pseudo-paranormal trash front and center?” But that’s not what I’m here to point out. In fact, I think that the WWN was an entirely reasonable manifestation of the intellectual climate. In a strange twist of fate, we’re more likely (as a society, if not as stiflingly rational individuals) to accept the existence of publications like WWN than real, scientifically-oriented paranormal scholarship.

This may seem like a stretch. I assure you it’s not. But before I explain, let’s give credit where credit is due. As a writer of fiction, I can’t hate on WWN too much. Anything that injects a healthy dose of weirdness into the mainstream is certainly worth something, and as far as creativity goes, the magazine deserves recognition for its lack of boundaries and its apparent celebration of fringe phenomenon.

Nevertheless, note that I had to say “apparent,” since “celebration” in this context tastes uncomfortably like exploitation. “Exploitation” may seem like a strange word to some readers, since we’re dealing with bigfoot narratives and Bill Clinton’s fascination with a “three-breasted” secretary. After all, UFO abductions, vampires, and other imaginary monsters should be fair game, since they’re nonsense to begin with.

Right?

In a sense, the fact that this feels like a rational, measured response to my claim of “exploitation” is exactly the point. In truth, paranormal experiences have been around for as long as humanity itself. It’s fairly shocking to me that even paranormal events undeniably foundational to western culture (Christ’s resurrection, anyone?) aren’t taken seriously, even among the millions of people who would swear, if asked, that they literally believe in them. Even the few who do take Jesus’ Magical Miracle Tour at face value would generally hesitate before calling the numerous UFO sightings, poltergeist phenomena, NDEs, and similar experiences reported by people around the world “real” in any significantly objective sense. I’ve experienced a handful of these events first hand myself, and with other people present (who did, in fact, witness the same incredible things I did); they are real (read “really experienced,” to lift a term from Jeffrey Kripal’s studies), they do happen, and it’s really kind of a willful blindness to pretend otherwise. But don’t take my word for it; I encourage the interested reader to turn to scholars working in the fringe of cutting-edge scientific and religious studies alike. Two books come to mind as fairly thorough overviews here, albeit from radically different intellectual directions: Jeffrey J. Kripal’s Secret Body: Erotic and Esoteric Currents in the History of Religions, and Steve Volk’s Fringe-ology: How I Tried to Explain Away the Unexplainable and Couldn’t. Both are more than worth the read.

My point here isn’t to convince you that the paranormal is real. You either believe or you don’t, even though a studied exploration and an open mind can do wonders to even your firmest-held worldview (ex-hardcore Dawkins devotee here). What I do want to argue is that in a largely materialistic, overly-rational, and down-to-earth intellectual climate, the Weekly World News makes perfect sense.

This may seem paradoxical, but the WWN does some serious legwork in the endless task of propping up our mechanical, anti-spiritual view of the world. Propaganda, after all, isn’t really science’s strong point, since it’s obviously predicated on logos, which (presumably) keeps the insidious forces of ethos at bay. We all know, however, that a doctrine that sways the masses must appeal to “lower,” “old brain” reflexes: disgust, outrage, hilarity, and other emotions must conspire against undesirable elements beneath the calm surface of a “worldview” (insofar as the “worldview” in question is technically short of a Weltanschauung).

The problem with WWN is that it’s less interested in paranormal events than it is stereotypes of fringe phenomena. It’s okay for bat boy to stare at you while you’re waiting in line at the checkout counter because it makes you think to yourself “Jesus, what the hell is wrong with people?” instead of “Wow, the universe is such a vast, impenetrable mystery despite our best attempts to explain everything!”

Yes, the WWN is a particularly subtle bit of (possibly unwitting) propaganda. Ultimately, it lumps paranormal phenomena together with bizarre celebrity conspiracy theories and blatantly outrageous narratives calculated to shock its audience. Despite the editor’s thin claim to publish the “truth,” the WWN does nothing to truly further interest in real paranormal events; it serves, rather, to justify our automatic dismissal of paranormal events as “crazy.”

Again, I don’t want to be too harsh here. The WWN is sort of entertaining and an important piece of cultural history, but that shouldn’t give our blind assumptions a free pass. I imagine that many of the sad souls awaiting the register at WalMart checkout lines do the same thing I used to do. They probably mistake the WWN for paranormal studies. Imagine thinking that the quality of scholarship surrounding abduction phenomena begins and ends with the tabloids? How could any rational person take such a pseudo-academic field seriously? As it turns out, the academy doesn’t take these things seriously. Despite the efforts of many impassioned scholars of religion, psychology, physics, and various other disciplines, the paranormal remains professionally ignored today.

Maybe this is due to our unexamined reflex to confuse the paranormal with the tabloids. Maybe it’s worth being conscious of how our perceptions of the paranormal are formed. The WWN isn’t the only publication in history seeking to trivialize the paranormal, after all. If you haven’t experienced the paranormal first-hand, your perception is entirely predicated on the voices of others. It’s high time we pay attention to what those voices are saying. And it’s not just the vocal UFO and religious nuts who deserve our skepticism. Sometimes, those who shout too loudly in the other direction do as well, even if their shouting seems like a joke.

-Justin A. Burnett

September 17, 2019 by Silent Motorist Media

Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space by Duncan P Bradshaw – Book Review

Duncan P. Bradshaw’s Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space is exactly what the title suggests and so much more. Yes, it’s a pastiche of both the demonic possession and nunsploitation genres, but it’s also unlike anything you’ve ever found in book form in the past.

As he did with the charmingly cheeky killer vacuum novella Mr. Sucky, Bradshaw takes his love of speculative fiction and fringe cinema to a hitherto unexplored place. ‘Cannibal Nuns’ opens like you’re watching a DVD, replete with a piracy warning, featuring a fistful of faux “trailers” for other stories whose general plots are almost as mental as the plot of the novel itself.

It’s hard to discuss this book without giving up the ghost and I’ve never been one to spoil endearingly cheap thrills for the freaks who read our rag. So, with that in mind, I’ll summarize the experience of digesting this jubilant jaunt through myriad hells thusly: The web-fingered Bolo-Bolo is drawn so brilliantly and abominably that it emerges as a creature even more hideous to imagine than the nuns with “chest-mouths.”

To put it another way, Duncan P. Bradshaw is a writer afflicted with a particularly acute illness of the mind and we’re all the richer for it. Catch the infection here and develop a bad habit here.

September 13, 2019 by Silent Motorist Media