4 Hilarious Moments from Law & Order: SVU Season 20

Unless you’re like us or John Mulaney, the word hilarious may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of violent crime. But we don’t give a hot fuck!

Why?

Because Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and the Special Victims unit have been causing us to heave with laughter for years now. Whether it was the aggressive outbursts and wild facial expressions of former-cast member Christopher Meloni (you know, the cat who played Freakshow in Harold & Kumar) or Ice-T’s Fin Tutuola marveling at the most obvious detail of a case, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (or SVU for short) has been leaving a shit-eating grin on our faces for ages now.

Currently enjoying its 20th season on network television, SVU has been becoming delightfully self-referential, of late, and today we thought we’d share our four favorite moments of meta meat from SVU in 2018.

1. OH, BALONEY!

In episode 3, “Zero Tolerance,” Liv (Hargitay) makes a call back to Carisi (Peter Scanavino)’s meme-friendly line about lunch meats from Season 17 when she tells her detectives to get the suspect a bologna sandwich.

2. ICE-T SNATCHES SOME TREES

In episode 6, “Exile,” fan fave Fin Tutuola (Ice-T) grabs some edibles off an illegal weed truck while reading a street dealer the riot act. Naturally, it’s inspired at least one marijuana meme, but it’s hardly the first time the character of Fin has inspired such a gut-busting drug joke.

Just look at this:

3. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS GETS BLUNT

In episode 7, “Cadaver,” a friend of one of the victims says, “You think someone killed them over money?” To which Fin replies “One of the top reasons people get dead.”

4. THE GREAT BAGEL SCANDAL OF NOVEMBER

Ice-T takes to Twitter to say that he’s never eaten a bagel in his life. This revelation causes an absurd amount of social media uproar throughout the day with people treating it like a travesty that a New Yorker could go his entire life without tasting something so authentically New York.

A few hours later episode eight, “Hell’s Kitchen,” airs and Ice-T’s Fin sheepishly asks Amanda (Kelli Giddish) if she wants half of his cinnamon raisin bagel.

Later, Ice responded to the backlash, Tweeting “White people..Don’t lose your Fn minds because I’ve never eaten a Bagle [sic]..Take it easy…lol.”

If you’re a super-fan of SVU, chances are you’ve got your own favorite funny moments. Post them in the comments below to win a big fat bowl of sexual assault.

Like and share this post and we’ll give you a baloney sammich.

For Your Consideration: The Nikolas Cruz Prom Date

By Trebor Elliverf

The dating pool has really thinned out in the last year, especially for those of you who are still in high school. If you’re a cis-gender female who’s looking to bring home the crown, it can be slim pickins.

That’s why we would recommend that you sponsor Nikolas Cruz for Prom King. I know what you’re thinking, it’s a controversial idea and it may just put you on a few watch lists. But just think of the attention!

You’ll be the belle of the bloody ball with this pew pew cutie on your arm.

You want a date who’s dependable, right?

Well, we all know that Niky is nothing if not punctual. In fact, he’ll show up 36 minutes before you’re set to leave so your parents can get a shot of you and your new stud.

Going with Nikolas is a guaranteed ticket to the gun show.

Look at those biceps! Someone’s been pumping iron in the yard.

Don’t you want to date a true patriot? Sure, he may seem like a troubled soul, but he isn’t confused. Nik understands the importance of America’s electoral process and has done his part as an American by registering to vote.

Consider all the perks:

You’ll be first in line at the punch bowl…and probably last. Chances are more than good that that punch will pack a punch too!

When you’re rollin’ with Lil Niky, you can be sure that you won’t have to deal with crowds.

You’re a shoe-in for that tiara, girl!

Maybe your bestie’s date has some good weed, but he ain’t no Justin Bieber. Just look at how sweet and dreamy Niky looks.

Even if you have to bring the prom to him, it’ll be well worth it for the selfies.

If ever you have a doubt about being crowned prom queen, you can rest assured that you’ve got it in the bag with this ladykiller. Let’s just say that the competition has been taken care of.

Your chastity will assuredly remain intact.

In case you were worried that your prom night was gonna end with you sobbing over your compromised hymen, fear not! Nik is an Incel and as such, he is used to not getting laid. Indeed, sex never crossed his mind; he’d much rather spend quality time teaching you how to clean the barrel of an AK-47.

With this straight shooter, it’s eternal salvation or your money back.

The Bible tells us that premarital sex is a sin, but you won’t have to worry about that. Nikolas will be sure to send you to the Lord as a pure soul.

Your prom night is special and you deserve for people to remember it. Remember, you’re totes worth it! Niky will make it unforgettable for you and your family. Roll out your red sash and run, don’t walk, into Nik’s arms…or else.

Like, share or condemn this post, otherwise we’ll tell Lil Niky where you live.

Featured image by Justin A. Burnett

How to Be an Extraordinarily Horrible Parent This Thanksgiving

By J.L. Mayne

In my family, thanksgiving means going and eating a bunch of food around family members you see once or twice a year. The food is pretty good, as is the family. The turkey may be a little dry and some of my relatives might start shouting at a kid or two for some ridiculous antic the child decides is more fun than staring at a wall.

This holiday season, why not change it up a bit. In place of being holly-jolly, try out one of these Thanksgiving ideas to make the season that much more special.

1. Summon Cthulhu

Everyone needs some holiday cheer including the Great Old One from R’lyeh. Why not grab a few of your cultist friends and conjure up an old fashioned end of the world party! He may not even eat your family if you’re the one to do the summoning. Hit me up if you need an instruction manual.

2. Sacrifice your kids

Let’s face it, some kids suck. They take after their parents, and maybe you’re one of those parents that should have kept it in their pants. If you need a break, you could always sacrifice the little devils. Maybe it’ll help with #1 on our list.

3. Give your children a bleach enema

Sadly, this one happens more often than some of the others mentioned. Parents seem to think this will help cure autism…Yep. Whether it’s an enema or you just get them to drink it, try this out if you are feeling like a particularly large douche.

4. Take your family to Westworld

Or Jurassic Park, or any other psychotic park created by the mind of Michael Crichton. They’ll love it for the first hour or until things start eating and/or maiming them. Dinosaurs, gunslingers, tigers, take your pick. The family eaten together stays together.

5. Tell your kids there really is a monster under their bed

I’m not sure who would be heartless enough to do this. My own kids rarely have nightmares because I’m scarier than any monster they could ever imagine, but other kids legitimately think the boogeyman is hiding under their beds, waiting to chew on their feet. Not only will this cause turmoil for the kids, but it’ll make you lose sleep as well, unless you just don’t care and let them cry it out. That’s always an option.

6. Teach your kids to use fire as a coping mechanism

Don’t like the grade you got on the math final? Burn the school down. Cat pee on your favorite shirt? Light it on fire. Peed the bed? It’s okay, Timmy; the problem is gone now.

7. Start an underground child fight club

It’s like a cock fight or a dog fight but with kids. This might seem like a good idea at the time; maybe the kids are being stupid and just need to get their anger out, maybe you need a little cash and think it’ll be a good way to get some from your neighbors.

Your kid might be a giant and, therefore, guaranteed to win in the monthly battle, but it still isn’t the best idea. Try selling that crap you never use instead. Or sell your children, that works too.

8. Lock the kids in the basement

The world is a scary place. Lots of people are convinced that it’s going to end tomorrow, the next day, or even today. If you want to protect your kids, maybe the best option is to lock them in the basement. Maybe use some chains for extra protection. Wouldn’t want them experiencing life or growing into productive members of society.

9. Reuse their gifts

If you’re tight on funds for that new watch or your scrapbook addiction, take back some gifts you bought the kids. Then, on their next birthday, or at Christmas, give them back! You may even be able to convince them it’s a new gift despite the stains and broken pieces.

10. Convince them to grow up to be just like you

Despite how great you think you are, you could be better. Hopefully your kids don’t have that same addiction you do. But if your goal is to immortalize yourself through your kids, do this! Be sure to include your weird relationship with your parents in the training regime.

Your Happy Life: Day Seven

Taenia solium is one of many reasons the poor cannot be happy. It’s a parasite, commonly known as the tape worm. What is more horrible than a parasite? Neurocysticercosis occurs when a tapeworm infection causes cysts in the brain, which often results in neurological damage. Due to the sordid living conditions in which this disease thrives, it falls under the classification of a “neglected tropical disease,” along with ascariasis (roundworms), Buruli ulcer (a bacterial infection resulting in swelling that can affect bone), Chagas disease (a tropical parasite), Dracunculiasis (Guinea worm, contracted by drinking water fleas), African typanosomiasis (African sleeping sickness), leprosy (Mycobaterium leprae bacterial infection, developing into granulomas throughout the exterior and interior of the body)…

I apologize! I’m boring you, of course. You did not come here to be regaled with lists detailing the sufferings of the poor. You, after all, have your antibiotics, your day clinics, your abundance of food, your money, your entertainments, your excesses of every stripe. Allow me to apologize again, oh happy one! It is in bad taste, you say, to dwell on such things. You are right. Let me encourage your scorn. Return to the preceding paragraph and laugh! Hold up your possessions, dangle your smartphone on its charger cable before the faces of those unfortunates. Raise your voice! Shout them down from their glorified crosses of agony! Say to them: “I have access to every solution of your countless problems. I live in a heaven on earth and do not care!” Show them the spare bottles of unfinished antibiotics sitting in your medicine cabinet, and, before their dismayed faces, empty the bottles into the toilet. 

-C. M. Bartolomeo

Why Mainstream Horror is Still Dead: Part II

By Zakary McGaha

This tiny article isn’t really a continuation of my last write-up on mainstream horror, because there won’t be many (if any) new points. It’s more of a response to an article debunking some Vogue piece, in which my article was referenced (in said debunking article; not the Vogue piece).

Anyway, it was said, incorrectly, that I claimed horror was dead. I was then excused for the claim which I didn’t make.

In Why Mainstream Horror is Dead, I said just that “mainstream” horror is dead. I mentioned that the indie front was awesome and wasn’t slowing down, and I said that mainstream horror movies are still being made, but I pointed out that the mid-list for horror fiction went belly-up forever ago.

I also said that the token blockbuster horror movies don’t signal prosperity for the genre as a whole, but, instead, show what little demand for it there is. Your typical theatergoer is apt to say, “Halloween, that was a good horror movie! But that’s enough for one year.”

Horror is kept alive by fans, these days, and is pretty much a niche genre. Sure, it’s giant compared to super niche genres, and it has many sub-genres, but it’s still not thriving like it was in the 70s, 80s, and early -90s when publishers were churning out mass-market horror left and right…by authors who weren’t just named Stephen King. Back then, you couldn’t walk down the street without seeing something Friday the 13th related or turn on the TV without seeing a ton of lesser-known horror movies that were still holding their own.

Perhaps there’s one thing I should clear up: by today’s standards, the lesser-known and indie horror books and movies of the 70s, 80s, and 90s were mainstream as hell. The audience was much larger; there was prosperity to be had for all. However, that changed once mass-market horror died. Sure, small things stayed around…niche presses, which pretty much describes the small-press scene today, kept the ball rolling for the people who wanted it kept rolling, but it was no longer EVERYWHERE. Horror went the way of Metallica; what was edgy way back when is “Dad Rock” today.

Another thing I should clear up: I thought the new Halloween ruled, and believe it’s the second best sequel of the franchise, and I’m well aware that it made tons of money, but I still think mainstream horror is dead because Halloween was the token horror movie of this year, along with The Nun.

What do they both have in common besides money? They were franchise flicks. The vast majority of original horror films were, as usual, direct to VOD and DVD. The other in-theater examples were the exceptions, but they deserve a look.

Hell Fest was awesome, but it wasn’t nearly as successful as Halloween or The Nun, nor was Strangers: Prey at Night, although it wasn’t necessarily a failure. As far as Overlord, it’s too early to tell. And I won’t even talk about The Meg, because it was awful and didn’t do the book justice.

Still, though: despite the movies listed above, we’re not seeing the plethora of awesome material genre fans were used to in the golden days, that have since gone on to become classics today. Instead, we’re still seeing continuations and reboots of those classics!

Most indie, direct-to-video horror today is clearly targeted at horror fans who need their appetites whetted, while the other in-theater horror films of the year were successful because of horror fans and the convenience of the theater, which drew some of the mainstream folks in (which is why they had smaller box-office numbers).

In other words, the token mainstream horror franchise films did well because everyone needs at least one bender a year, while the other ones achieved what they did only because of hardcore horror fans and their normal family members they drug to the theaters.

Just because there are a couple big, token hits along with some smaller, already-forgotten films isn’t enough to convince me that horror is thriving today. Am I saying this to be negative and all FUCK THE MAINSTREAM-like? Nope. I’ve been pleased with what the studios have given us this year, and I’ve been pleased with the indie stuff I’ve seen.

I’m not a hard horror fan to please, as I love it all.

However, I do feel that horror is not in a healthy state.

A Blumhouse sticker stuck over horror’s wound like a bandage isn’t going to keep it from bleeding out. If you recall, some of the highest-grossing horror films as of recent all have the same aforementioned production company: Get Out, Happy Death Day, HALLOWEEN, and The Purge.

I’m not gonna debate the quality of these films, because some of them I like and some of them I loathe, but the point is this: we’re seeing a lot of stuff from the same people, and not enough from new people, at least not in theaters. The indie front, however, is where it’s at. Too many examples of great films abound. If you know where to find the good stuff, stream it (or buy the DVD)!

There aren’t enough horror films in theaters from different people to justify mainstream horror being a thriving industry. Yes, certain people are thriving, but their “industry” is quite small, and the doors aren’t necessarily always open for new talent.

The people who saw Halloween aren’t going to fund legions of horror production companies, publishers, etc. They’re going to jump on whatever bandwagon comes along next, and that bandwagon is probably gonna be started by the same people.

Meanwhile, horror fans everywhere will gladly be enjoying a genre that is still very much alive, although it’s definitely not in a “boom” period. Its mainstream appeal lasts for all of about ten seconds at a time, while the indie front runs continuously in the background, with films like The Devil’s Candy, Hold the Dark (who some may classify as a thriller, but I say it’s horrifying as fuck, and it’s my favorite new movie as of recent), and Jug Face, as well as extreme flicks like American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon keeping people satisfied.

Perhaps it’s not a popularity thing so much as a question of medium. I already mentioned streaming: long-form horror is on FIRE here, with shows like The Haunting of Hill House and Stranger Things dominating Netflix. Maybe that’s where the true “mainstream” horror lies these days, but one thing’s for sure: horror films are moving away from the big screen, and it seems to be getting worse each year. Maybe it’s a failure on theaters’ part (as in, specifically the venue, not Hollywood)? It would take statistics and whatnot to answer this question, which isn’t what this article is about.

This article is about taking notice of the culture. As someone who gorges on horror every day, I try to pay attention to everything: from indie to mainstream, new to old…and I can say with certainty that the majority of the “mainstream” stuff I get into is from years past, while the majority of new stuff is indie.

Mainstream horror today is dead, but horror is still as alive as it’s ever been: the way in which we consume horror is simply growing radically different, which is draining the blood from the concept of mainstream, theatrically-released horror.