How I Spent My Summer at (Detention) Camp

Image Designs by Justin A. Burnett

By Trebor Elliverf

I know that many of my classmates will be returning to school with tales of going to see The Meg in IMAX or taking some expensive trip to an amazing national landmark, so I decided to jot this down so they can see that a simpler experience can be just as incredible.

You’re not gonna best me this time, Scottie Lindermeyer! I owned this summer like a boss!

No, my parents didn’t take me to some stupid water park or some garish paintball range. They didn’t have time for that because they had to go on a top secret mission with the special forces police in the bulletproof vests. My dad was the first to return to save Mexico from tyranny and then my mother bravely followed him into the fray.

What I learned this summer was that I don’t need my mom and my dad to have an awesome time. I don’t even need to know anybody. I can make friends anywhere.

This is the story of how I spent my summer and the following are just some of the sick highlights of my stay at McCallen Camp. I think you’ll agree that Texas camps are lit AF!

Going Wild

The coolest thing about McCallen Camp is that the counselors let the kids pretend to be animals. We’re even given cages that are too big for any dog but just big enough for us to play like we’re dogs. I even got to chew through a leash and bite the other children. That shit was fire!

Learning Through Fun

I’m not big on homework or any of that junk, but I gotta admit, I had the opportunity to learn some new things while having a blast at McCallen Camp. For instance, I learned a new word: Resettlement. Apparently, it’s another word for staying somewhere other than your home. I guess that means my brother and me resettled in our parents’ backyard when we set up our tree house last year.

Wait…where’s my brother?

Never mind.

World Building

Yeah, maybe you thought you were the coolest kid on the block because you and your friends built some skateboarding ramps or your dad let you help him restore an old car, but that ain’t nothing compared to McCallen Camp’s activities.

Within one week of being there, me and the other kids were given the opportunity to help the counselors build an entire frigging !city! That’s right, we built Tent City, a new place where I decided that a superhero of my own creation, Brownie the Macho Muslim, fights crime and honors the Prophet.

Because of our world building, 5,000 more kids can enjoy the astounding activities of detention camp and that’s pretty dope.

Playing Firefighters

Okay, technically I didn’t get to play a firefighter and neither did my fellow campers, but we did get to play the fire which was pretty sick. The counselors got to make believe like we were blazing buildings and they trained fire hoses on us while we scrubbed our tired bodies with something called Dawn Mist.

The neatest thing about this is that the first time the hose hits you, it’s like you’re the bad guy in some western and you just got shot in the chest during a duel. Pretty friggin’ nuts! Once the welts go down, you’re ready for more world building.

Acting Grown Up

Camp was nothing like school, it wasn’t crummy or overly complicated and there were no rules except something called a “no formal protocol.” But the best part is, we weren’t treated like little babies. Instead, we were encouraged to do grown up things.

One day, an actual teenage girl was released into my cage and I thought we were supposed to play dog fight, but instead she showed me her baby brother and taught me how to change a diaper. It was gross and all, but I think it’s dope that the counselors let us wear our big boy pants.

Snack Attack

While your parents were forcing broccoli down your throat at P.F. Chang’s, I was loading up on Lays Potato Chips. Nobody was there to stop me. In fact, the counselors let me eat all the chips I wanted. Chips and water were served as breakfast, lunch and dinner. Beat that, Scott!

Trigger Practice

The best part of my camp experience came last week when a group of my fellow campers tried to run away. Buzz, my favorite counselor, handed me a shotgun loaded with birdshot and taught me how to find a target.

When I squeezed that trigger and those kids spilled like a jar full of marbles, I felt like I had finally become a man. Unfortunately, the camp counselors don’t agree with that assessment. In their eyes, I am still a minor and will have to stick around here for some time before I can be resettled.

Imagine that. Your summer is winding down and soon you’ll be back behind that uncomfortable desk at school. For me, summer is just beginning. I can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to fight the blind kid for a stick of bubblegum. I’ll be one happy camper. If not, they might just take away my ‘tato chips.

 

September 20, 2018October 27, 2021 by Silent Motorist Media

Burning Ad Infinitum Album Review

Album: Burning Ad Infinitum
Band: Gnaw Their Tongues / Crowhurst (collaboration, not a split)
Release: 31 August 2018
Label: Crown and Thorn Ltd.

The fifth angel, who poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain, And blasphemed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, and repented not of their deeds.

Revelations 16: 10-11

As melodramatically chilling as the above quote from Revelations may be, it doesn’t fall short in encapsulating the mood of Maurice de Jong’s (AKA “Mories”) musical project, Gnaw Their Tongues. If I ever get around to following up on part I and II of my list of “darkest albums,” Gnaw Their Tongues will definitely find themselves represented. The only reason one of their albums isn’t featured there now is the same reason I’m dreading this review. Some music is simply impossible to represent with words.

Raw. Hellish. Torturous. Oppressive. Soul-crushing. We can begin with adjectives like these, and they do some degree of justice to Burning Ad Infinitum, Mories’ 2018 collaboration with Pennsylvania’s ultra-prolific Crowhurst. The problem, of course, is that these would also describe every other album under the Gnaw Their Tongues banner, as well as the little I’ve heard, so far, of Crowhurst (this album being my introduction to Jay Gambit’s work).

As usual, this isn’t quite black metal, although Mories’ roots clearly extend in that direction. There are a few actual blast beats towards the end of the album that do suggest a more rooted, less ambiguous sonic structure much closer to standards of traditional metal. Nevertheless, much of what we get here is industrial noise, dirty drones, and sonic darkness. And there’s nothing wrong with this, particularly if your cup of tea is utterly bleak soundscapes.

And yet…

Don’t get me wrong; I love Gnaw Their Tongues. I follow Mories’ developments on Bandcamp like most people have been keeping tabs on the Eminem and MGK beef lately. I was absolutely ecstatic to receive Burning Ad Infinitum for review, and would’ve purchased the damn thing anyway if I hadn’t. Still… now that review time is actually here, I can’t help but wish the potentially fruitful team of Gnaw Their Tongues and Crowhurst had left something a little more remarkable behind.

Maybe I’m simply desensitized a bit to the power of Mories’ sonic assault. If you haven’t heard Gnaw Their Tongues, this might be a perfect place to begin. To my ears, however, there simply isn’t much here to differentiate Burning Ad Infinitum from previous albums. Sure, it’s dark, brutal, and insane, but perhaps not as downright disturbing as Eschatological Scatology or Per Flagellum Sanguemque, Tenebras Veneramus. I hate to leave you with the “if you’ve heard one…” adage, so I won’t. But there’s something about this album that’s a little bit too much of the same old thing, if I’m truly being objective.

Personally, I’m regularly spinning this album anyway. This is one of those moments where I have to actively work to counteract my enthusiasm as a fan with the level-headedness of a critic. If I wasn’t a die-hard devotee of Mories, I probably wouldn’t see much here that bears repeated listening. While all Gnaw Their Tongues albums are a bit amorphous and difficult to conceptualized after the actual listening experience, Burning Ad Infinitum seems to emphasize the “forgettable” aspect of dark/noise/ambient a little more than usual.

I’m not intentionally neglecting Crowhurst here. I’m simply not certain how this release compares to the rest of their massive discography since my exposure to them is very limited. It wouldn’t quite be fair to equally accuse them of “more of the same,” given that I haven’t quite developed the context.

This album is still due to appeal to fans of both individuals. It might even prove a gateway drug, due to the album’s relatively brief running time, for new listeners to lose their way in the dark and twisted underworld of black metal inspired noise populated by musicians like Mories and Gambit. It’s definitely worth a listen; just don’t expect anything dramatically “new” or “cutting edge” in relation to the Gnaw Their Tongues discography.

3/5

-Justin A. Burnett

September 19, 2018October 27, 2021 by Silent Motorist Media

Films That Fell Through the Cracks: Slash (2002)

Welcome to Films That Fell Through the Cracks where we discuss notable motion pictures that failed to generate the kind of buzz worthy of the so-called “cult classic.” Today, “Locker Arms” author Zakary McGaha delves into the horror-comedy hilarity of 2002’s Slash.

“Slash” Film Review 

by Zakary McGaha

Slash (2002) is horror-comedy gold. If you’re like me, you’ve always been very picky when it comes to horror comedies. I must admit: I’m more easily won over by films that take themselves seriously and don’t derive comedic value from self-awareness.

Self-awareness has always taken me out of a story; it’s made me think negatively of the creators. Hmm. They must be pretty cool…too cool to make serious movies. Nevertheless, sometimes it works. We can all think of the more mainstream classics: Evil Dead 2, Return of the Living Dead, Seed of Chucky (okay, that one’s hotly debated), the Leprechaun franchise…the list could go on and on.

All the movies listed above have something in common: they’re known by pretty much everyone. They’re lost somewhere between mainstream and cult. They’re not “indie” or “cult” in the shoestring-budget type of way (these films had budgets and talented crews who knew what they were doing), but they’re not getting discussed on the morning news’s movie segment. Still, they’re known to virtually all people who are into this type of thing, and are universally highly regarded (even if some people hate Seed of Chucky…damn cretins).

That being said, it is my opinion, based on years of experience, that most horror comedies suck. The best ones are the exception to this rule and, thus, become remembered by everyone who sees them. However, every now and then, I’ll see one that knocks my socks off. Slash did just that. It deserves a place in the Horror Comedy Hall of Fame, as well as a spot in the Killer Scarecrow Movie Hall of Fame, but, sadly, to the majority of horror fans, it doesn’t have a place in either.

 

Slash follows a grungy pop-rocker who’s returning to a farm he spent time on as a kid, with his band in tow. Said band consists of a colorful cast of semi-charming knuckleheads, all of whom have their own personalities. For the most part, they’re less than enthused about leaving the city for the country…especially when they’re on the cusp of a record deal…which sets things up for some good comedy later on.

There are two stand-out performances in this movie: Steve Railsback as Jeremiah, the somewhat creepy (but humorous) head of the farm, and Nick Boraine as Billy Bob, a dim-witted country boy with bad teeth. Side note: if you’re a fan of movies about real-life serial killers, you may recognize Nick Boraine as Ed Gein from the film bearing his namesake…Ed Gein (2000)…which is, in my opinion, the go-to dramatization of the murders.

The comedy in Slash comes from the characters, but it’s never in a stand-up sort of way. The clashing of different personalities is where most of the humor is found, which is refreshing compared to a lot of modern stuff.

In terms of gore, you won’t find anything outstanding here, but the movie isn’t aiming to please gore hounds. Instead, it’s aiming to tell a strange story that is equal parts cartoonish humor and slasher horror. It works as a blend of the two, where one doesn’t act in opposition to the other: the folks churning out movies like the It remake and The Meg adaptation should take note!

“Scary” is something the film never achieves, but it works in this simple, foolproof way: the characters are awesome, so it builds suspense when you see them getting stalked, and eventually slashed, by a scarecrow.

This film isn’t smart, nor is it scary, but it is fun, entertaining, and memorable. It’s almost masterful in its ability to keep you glued into its fictional realm. Most movies have plusses and minuses that get you thinking in critical terms…(too much of this, not enough of that)…whereas Slash possesses that rare ability to entrance you. Also, the song played at the end of the film is something you’ll be singing in the shower for days afterward!

4/5…Highly recommended!

September 18, 2018October 27, 2021 by Silent Motorist Media

Underwater Jason Voorhees to Be Removed from Lake Pleasant

You thought Jason only haunted Crystal Lake, but as it turns out, the masked machete-wielding camp counselor killer also enjoys a good dip in Lake Pleasant. At least that’s what you would think if you went diving in Arizona.

An Arizona scuba divers’ Facebook group has noted that a life-like Jason Voorhees statue is just one of several bizarre artifacts at the bottom of the lake, noting that divers use them as markers.

The site of Jason staring up at you is one that many diving aficionados and horror fanatics would get a kick out of seeing, but the chance to do so appears to be running out.

According to an article posted to AZ Central, Maricoba County Parks officials lost their shit after finding out about the statue via Reddit and YouTube. They are now working to retrieve the statue as they view it as littering and believe that it is disrespectful of nature.

Since the news broke, a video has popped up carrying the hashtag #SaveJason. The Reddit community is divided about the statue, but some have made it clear that divers use the statue as a reference point and that it serves a definite purpose.

This isn’t the first time Jason has been dropped at the bottom of a lake. Naturally, this is something that occurred in several of the Friday the 13th installments, but it’s also happened IRL. Earlier this year, it was revealed that a fan had placed a Jason statue at the bottom of a lake in Crosby, Minnesota.

Hopefully, even if parks officials succeed at removing this “trash,” it won’t be the last we see of Jason, IRL or on the big screen.

September 15, 2018October 27, 2021 by Silent Motorist Media

Return of the BOOBS & BLOOD Festival!!!

For Immediate Release: September 14^th, 2018

The BOOBS & BLOOD Festival is back – With All-Women Judges, WOMEN IN HORROR Panel & Fundraising for Breast Cancer Charity

Opening Night launches the 1st Annual SCREAM QUEEN-ATHON and B&B’s new quarterly magazine

Scream Queens, Body Painting Burlesque, the Final Destination franchise and Japanese Gonzo Ghosts take over North Hollywood for a horrifically fun 2-day charity fundraiser (Oct. 5 – 6).

Fundraising for Breast Cancer Charity, the BOOBS & BLOOD Film Festival opens on Oct. 5th with the 1st annual SCREAM QUEEN-ATHON.

Los Angeles, CA – Featuring 9 of the best Scream Queens and horror actresses in the business SCREAM QUEEN-ATHON’s guests include Naomi Grossman (American Horror Story’s ‘Pepper’), Anulka Dziubinska (Vampyres – 1975), Asun Ortega (Nude Nuns With Big Guns – 2010), Max Wasa (Scarface, House of Manson, Death House), Christine Nguyen (Edgar Allen Poe’s Decapitarium 3-D – 2018), Lar Park-Lincoln (House II, Friday the 13th VII, Freddy’s Nightmares), Elissa Dowling (Bus Party to Hell, Tales of Halloween), Holly Fields (Wishmaster 2, Seedpeople) and Beverly Randolph (Return of the Living Dead, Death House). More TBA.

“I wanted to start the festival with a real splash, something fun and important too. So, we came up with SCREAM QUEEN-ATHON. It’s a fabulous fundraising event that all have guests have got behind. Our definition of Scream Queens is pretty broad and reflects the changing roles women have in the industry now”

Following red carpet photo ops, a fun Q&A with journalist/author Pat Jankiewicz, the Scream Queens will be available for table signings. All evening entertainment includes Go-Go dancing, DJ HiJinx, live retro-rock band WYLDEWOOD GREEN, Cosplay Makeup FX, raffles, horror vendors including Queen B merchandise, freebies and full bar.

Saturday Oct 6th (11.00am) explodes with new horror shorts (selected by all-women judges), followed by the WOMEN IN HORROR panel (1.30pm Free Event) featuring leading indie producers and directors, including Lotti Knowles, Esther Goodstein & Megan Freels Johnston. A not-to-be missed panel on how to successfully navigate the indie business.

“We felt it was so important to hand over part of the festival to women filmmakers and showcase a strong female perspective on what this business is like. This panel is going to be wonderful. It’s also a free event. So I hope people will take advantage of it” continues Flanagan.

Saturday afternoon (2.30pm) is JAPANESE MADNESS time, with the L.A. Premiere of J-Splatter director Noboru Iguchi’s all-girl ensemble epic GHOST SQUAD and in-person (direct from Tokyo) cult Director Tomohiko Iwasaki screening his latest outlandish short. With free DVDs and more special guests from the world of PINK movies TBA. Dress as a Japanese Ghost and get free admission. “We have some amazing guests from Japan traveling here just for this festival. Our links to Japan have always been strong.”

Saturday Oct 6th is the big Awards & Closing Night Party. If you’re a fan of the FINAL DESTINATION movies you’re in for a treat as they’re Honoring it’s creator JEFFREY REDDICK with the B&B Hall of Fame Award and a FINAL DESTINATION Franchise cast & crew reunion. “Jeffrey created not just a horror franchise but something that we can all relate to, whether we like it or not – our own mortality and how randomly fleeting it can be. But he does it in such a devilishly entertaining way. Pure genius. That’s why he’s being given our HALL OF FAME Award.”

Plus they’ll be Honoring the full, body-painting and cosplay skills of the wonderfully talented BRIGITTE BERLIN (B&B Woman of the Year) live on-stage. “Brigitte is an amazingly talented individual” states Flanagan. “She’s elevated cosplay to an art form through her unique body painting. She’s also insanely funny. As you’ll all find out on the night when she performs her stand-up in full naked body paint.” The evening continues with Go-Go dancing, Cosplayers and direct from Switzerland, DJ HiJinxx. “Our Awards Party is going to be a really fun and unique event, mixing film, burlesque, awards celebrations and music. I can’t think of another film festival quite like ours.”

The festival will also be launching the new quarterly glossy BOOBS & BLOOD magazine. “It”s GQ for the psychotronic set” says publisher and festival director Miles Flanagan. “The market was crying out for a stylish, coffee table magazine for the discerning exploitation film and culture fan.” Issue 1 covers such diverse subjects as Tokyo’s Underground Erotic Kaiju wrestling scene and Peter Cushing’s most outlandishly sexual film with a personal letter that explains why he did it. All profits from the magazine are donated to Breast Cancer Charity FEEL YOUR BOOBIES.

In-competition Award winners receive prizes from sponsors FINAL DRAFT and WILD EYE RELEASING, and Cosplayers win cash prizes. Food, snacks and full bar all weekend.  Monies raised for charity are donated to registered charity FEEL YOUR BOOBIES.

BOOBS & BLOOD Film Festival  Oct. 5-6

The Mayflower Club, 11110 Victory Blvd., N. Hollywood, CA 91606

Tickets: http://blog.boobsandbloodcom/tickets/

The magazine can be purchased here: http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/1435371

For more info, go to www.boobsandblood.com!

Media Contact: Brian Gross, BSG PR, 818-340-4422, Brian@bsgpr.com

September 14, 2018October 27, 2021 by Silent Motorist Media