Latest James Franco Sighting Scares New Yorkers

By Dick Everlast

The Big Apple was shaken up this Tuesday when yet another James Franco was allegedly spotted in the wilds of Central Park. At half past noon, Carla Weinhardt-Blackman was jogging through the park and came to a stop in an alcove to adjust her Fit Bit.

When Ms. Weinhardt-Blackman looked up, she claims to have seen a hirsute figure wearing nothing but a sock over his penis.

“That thing was a James Franco,” Weinhardt-Blackman tells us.

Weinhardt-Blackman says that the feral creature was feeding a sick bird by mouth while nursing its broken wing, composing an aria on a corded zither and painting a portrait of a used condom.

“It had to be a James Franco,” Weinhardt-Blackman insisted. “It was just so arbitrary and pretentious.”

No word on whether park officials were able to locate or trap the James Franco, but the city’s commissioner, James Pee O’Kneel, says that law enforcement are on high alert. In O’Kneel’s words, “We’re gonna get this scumbag before he can procreate.”


B.F. 2018


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