Profixer® by Austin James

Are you generally dissatisfied with your life? Those everyday stresses of the middleclass American Dream got you down? Feeling too goddamn human? Fear not! We’ve got the solution for you—just Swallow the Rainbow™. Talk to your healthcare professional to see if the Profixer® Power Pack regimen is right for you.

Strawberry Monday:

  • Taking two Red capsules with a glass of milk results in a state of butterfly bliss and twittery sunshine. Unicorns giving birth to rainbows in your cranial juices. Everything smells like ignorance and teddy bear dreams.
  • Side effects may include: the bitter, quivering squeam of anxiety. A gut punch of bloodshot jitter. What if you’re never the same again? What if this is the new normal? Whatif? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif?

Tangerine Tuesday:

  • Taking an Orange pill on an empty stomach calms the tidal chaos of anxious breath. Your thought patterns coagulate, and your viscera engage in their standard post-riot activities.
  • Side effects may include: bleak, dying, withering depression. A regulated maiming by the heavy windchimes of death. Gloom blankets your world, spoiling everything jovial and jolly. You’re gonna drown in this. Gonna drown in this.

Lemon Wednesday:

  • Dissolve a Yellow tablet in Taiwanese oolong tea and sip over breakfast to exile the downcast demons back into the deep intestinal caverns where they dwell.
  • Side effects may include: fistfuls of rage percolating alongside your spinal fluid. Blood grows ballistic with creeping, seeping, gurgling wrath. You need to destroy something…something beautiful.

Kiwifruit Thursday:

  • A handful of Green pills before your morning piss shrinks the rage back down into manageable, random doses of annoyance.
  • Side effects may include: vigorous, blistering heartburn. Digestive juices and corrosive enzymes hack away at esophagus tissues. Everything tastes like broiled flesh and campfire smoke. Drinking liquids only makes it worse.

Blueberry Friday:

  • Taking a Blue pill (with a fiber-heavy snack) twice before lunch douses the acidic bonfire smoldering in your sternum.
  • Side effects may include: an onslaught of cankerous mouth ulcers erupting blood and pus and anguish. Every pore of your tongue and cheeks prefer chewing on graveled glass over this torture. To salivate is to suffer.

Plum Saturday:

  • Three Indigo gel capsules shrink mouth sores back into an acceptable state of dormancy, reducing pain from agony to measly irritant.
  • Side effects may include: throbbing, thrashing cluster headaches. The sinuses swell, blotting against your vision. Noises whisper-volume and up crack like car crashes inside your skull. A kitten’s purr is a thunderous pistol whip.

Eggplant Sunday:

  • Pop a Violet pill with your eucharist. The headaches dissolve. Sinuses melt and numb until pacified.
  • Side effects may include: feelings of generic dissatisfaction with your pathetic, bullshit middleclass life. You’re just too fucken human for this shit. But we’ve got pills for that!

Austin James is a functional schizoholic with caffeine in his blood, gypsy spit in
his spinal fluid, and an incredibly lazy pseudonym. His prose and poetry have been 
published in multiple magazines and medias (such as Bizarro Central and 
CLASH Media), as well as a few books and anthologies.

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